Is The Glass Half Empty or Half Full?

(Taking time off the other side of romance to revisit a short essay written nearly a year ago.)

The Intertwining of Problem Solving
and Decision Making

DECISIONS, decisions, decisions: you and I make them every single day. Like, from the moment the alarm clock shatters the morning silence, I ponder, albeit groggily, if I could afford to remain cocooned for a few more minutes in my bed instead of arising swiftly to seize the new day; to choosing what I will have for lunch, to signing the walking papers of my inept assistant, or whether it is time to tell my best friend that she has invested more than enough time and emotion in her unfaithful domestic partner.

But while making decisions may appear to be not a whole big deal most of the time, it is not the case for some people. Even when the options that are arrayed before them blatantly show which is best, or when the problem seems like a non-problem at all, they still agonize over it and as a consequence, they get stressed out. And stress, as everyone knows, has no place in a healthy and healthful life. Therefore, one must look at making decisions as a necessary and inescapable part of living. And to approach making decisions as routinely as taking a deep breath, one has to learn the process of solving problems. After all, solving a problem is closely linked to making a decision; you can’t have one and not have the other as well.

Two Approaches to Problem Solving

THERE are two schools of thought pertaining to the ways of solving a problem. Learning Connections of the University of South Australia proposes a traditional, seven-step problem solving cycle, namely: (1) identify the real problem; (2) explore the depth of the problem or who else are being affected; (3) set goals or pinpoint what must be achieved in solving the problem; (4) look at alternatives or lay out all the other options geared towards solving the problem; (5) select which option is best in solving the problem; (6) implement the option, or in other words, make a decision; and, finally, (7) evaluate if the problem has been solved.

The other approach is regarded as “state-of-the-art.” It is called appreciative inquiry, or AI, and is said to be a major breakthrough in problem solving according to Carter McNamara of Authenticity Consulting, LLC. AI is based on the assertion that problems become problems only when an individual looks at it as problems. And if an individual regards something as a problem, then it becomes a constraint or a hindrance in one’s growth or development. Proponents of this approach, notably McNamara, asserts that appreciative inquiry includes identification of our best times about the situation in the past, wishing and thinking about what worked best then, visioning what we want in the future, and building from our strengths to work toward our vision.

The first approach mentioned above to solving a problem is clearly the more practical of the two. It sets the seven-step process rationally, thanks to Learning Connection , and is an effective guide in learning a skill, that of solving problems. Without a doubt, this skill can be applied over and over, within an individual’s lifetime, in problem solving and decision making.

AI, on the other hand, does seem impractical. But as its proponents say, AI is a philosophy, and that I can believe. However, there is something in AI’s assertion, i.e. problems are often the result of our own perception, which somehow connects with my own process of solving a problem. The connection may be fragile, but it is still a link to my own philosophy.

A Glass Half Full and a Lemonade

FOR me, what most other people regard as problems are not actually problems but challenges. The word ‘problem’ itself connotes a negative, or perhaps a defeatist, tone, whereas when I look at a temporary setback to anything as a challenge, I create a favorable scene or background with which to meet the challenge. Admit it or not, the prospect of meeting a challenge stirs a vital excitement in us. It exhilarates. It inspires. The problem, or challenge, can also be regarded as looking at a half-full glass instead of it being half empty. The challenge lies in filling up the half-full glass. It can also be equated – ‘it,’ referring to my personal challenges – with turning a lemon into lemonade. There is enormous strength to be gained in the process of rendering a lemon into a blessing.

But while positive attitude and bright disposition do not always result in my making a good decision – in other words, if the problem has not been solved or if the challenge has frustrated me – I still take consolation in the bit of wisdom that I gain from the situation. The skill in solving problems, or in meeting challenges head-on as I prefer to call it, can only get better with each success and with each failure. With each success, a good decision has been made; with each failure, a good decision will be made in the future when faced with the same problem or challenge.

Decisions, decisions, decisions: I make them every single day with always a half-full glass in mind. So today, I shall have a heart-to-heart with my assistant and tell her that I look forward to a long and productive work relationship with her if she will shape up. Later in the day, I will meet up with my best friend in the café where her boyfriend is sure to hook up with his other girlfriend. Maybe, just maybe, my best friend will finally see for herself that her glass is actually empty. But before I witness this drama unfold, I have to resolve this dilemma – will I have a Big Mac or arugula salad for lunch?

When One Marries for Reasons Other Than Love

Marrying for love is divine,
Marrying for reputation – i.e. the girl got pregnant and marrying “is the right thing to do” – is honorable,
Marrying for convenience is a breeze to understand,
Marrying on the rebound is both imprudent and risky,
Marrying for companionship – i.e. mature couple, either both divorced or both widowed, or one is divorced and the other widowed, whose children have left the coop – is sympathetic,
Marrying for companionship, if just a ruse, is doubly pathetic;
But marrying for one other reason not mentioned above is –

I don’t know what to say!
(please read on to see what I mean)

SEVEN or so years ago, I was asked, as a favor, to meet up with a Filipino woman who I would call Gardenia. The request came from the friend of a friend. The latter, an Englishman, let me call him Reginald, was a very good family friend. His friend, who I would call Garfield, was also English. I have never met Garfield – fortunately for me. Both men lived outside metropolitan London.

The request was unusual if not weird. I was to interview Gardenia in my house; I was to plumb from her the details of her very recent “extraordinary” experiences, namely, (1) her having lost her passport twice, (2) her being swindled by a travel agent who had ran off with the money she had paid for her one-way ticket to England, (3) her failure to board the subsequent flight booked for her by Garfield in Britain. After extracting the facts from her, Garfield was supposed to call me; I was expected to relate to him the details of my interview with Gardenia.

I thought the whole thing sucks! Or let me clarify: I thought it would have been quite transparent to Garfield that Gardenia was just being creative in making him part with his money. And then I was told that yes, Garfield was already suspicious of that. He had already spent a lot of money for Gardenia’s “misadventures” in the Philippines, and one way to curb that was to get her to England. When she gets there, Garfield can strictly monitor Gardenia’s constant need and request for money.

However, her UK visa’s must-fly-within-this-date provision was about to expire, and Garfield, desperate to have Gardenia by his side, had already booked another flight. It was first-class, no less, since all the economy and business class seats were all taken.

I was to take on an important role, I was cheekily informed, in pushing Gardenia make that flight. Also, the first-class ticket had to be paid in the local airline office. I was to get the money and pay for it.

GARFIELD and Gardenia were married in the Philippines less than a year ago. It was a whirlwind courtship the likes of which I have only heard of and written about, as fiction, of course.

This 56-year old man met the 27-year old woman during his two-week holiday in the Philippines. They got engaged during that period. Shocking, indeed, even for a romance writer who had thrived on romance of all sorts (but not this sort apparently). Gardenia had never been married while Garfield was awaiting his divorce decree from his second wife who happened to be a Filipina.

A few months later, with his second marriage dissolved in England, he returned to the Philippines with a certificate of no impediment (to marry yet again). He stayed long enough to meet the required three-week continuous stay before filing for license, and the obligatory 15-day waiting period for the issuance of marriage license, and then married Gardenia. He left immediately for England while his new bride stayed behind to work on the processes involved in UK visa application.

Needless to say, that was when her streak of unfortunate experiences began…

THE lost passports and the travel ticket swindle were mere deceptions, obviously, so Garfield would cough up more money for the new wife. When Gardenia came to my house, rather unenthusiastically, and I started asking about which travel agent or agency ran off with her (Garfield’s actually) money, she hemmed and hewed about it.

When I asked her what her problem was that made her miss the flight to England, she gave an answer that was patently ridiculous and a lie! Ten minutes of interview with Gardenia and I was ready to pull my hair in exasperation. I might have an endless patience for listening to people wanting their life stories written about, but I don’t always suffer fools and liars easily.

[I had a pressing deadline at the time so maybe, my vexation was compounded with stress if I would be unable to submit my book and collect my cheque :)]

Fortunately, Garfield called Gardenia’s cell phone while she was in my house. Garfield spoke to me and I told him without mincing words that he should not send any money to me as I refuse to take responsibility for purchasing Gardenia’s ticket. I also said that based upon my interview, I gathered that his wife was not very keen to fly to England.

He then spoke to Gardenia, and it was agreed that the money would be wired for the ticket and that she must fly before her visa provisions expired. I saw the wily smile in Gardenia’s face as she left, her eyes a-twinkling with ₤₤₤ signs.

SEVERAL months later, Reginald flew to the country for his annual holiday. He was profuse with his apologies for having inflicted Garfield and Gardenia on me, and added that Garfield was not a close friend.

“He just tagged along with me when I had my holiday here two years ago,” he explained with a wry smile. “But I bet you could make a good yarn out of their story.”

I made a face, and said, “She looked spaced out when I spoke to her.”

Reginald became serious. “The word I got from her friends was that she’s a drug user.”

“So, she only married Garfield to finance her drug habit?”

“That would appear so.”

“Have you told your friend?”

“He would not listen to me. He loves Gardenia very much.”

“Between us,” I said after a moment’s pause, “and please don’t think me as being uppity and judgmental, Gardenia isn’t pleasing to the eye.”

Our family friend laughed, and said, “You mean, she’s ugly as sin?”

“Well, you said that, not I.”

“In the dark, her being homely would not matter,” Reginald said, again, with that wry smile. “But she has a body, according to Garfield, to die for.”

“Oh, yes?” I blurted out, in disbelief. I did not see nor look at Gardenia that way. I remembered her being a 5-foot slim woman, perhaps a girl’s body not yet destroyed with drug abuse.

“Would you like to know in full what Garfield said to me when I asked him why he was marrying Gardenia?”

I nodded.

“He said he loves Gardenia and that he will marry her because she gives him the greatest sex of his life.”

MARRYING for sex may not be that odd a reason for settling down to a few. It is an unsettling reason for me though, and quite distant from the other side of romance.

As for Gardenia, she took all the money she could wring from Garfield to support her habit, and never flew to England.

Garfield, broke, begged the second ex-wife to let him live in her house until he could sort his finances again.

Marrying for reasons other than love, obviously, has karmic consequences.

The Reality of Irony

In the past couple of years, saying ‘life is short’ has become a mantra-like line for me. But my saying that life is short did not only mean living life to the fullest or taking every opportunity, every chance, every little thing that might make life – yours and that of others linked to you – a bit more meaningful.

When I say ‘life is short,’ I also refer to living day-by-day, as if it would be your last day on earth; therefore, nothing should be left undone.

And then the reality of irony hit me: life, indeed, could be very short…

One busy day, someone close to you is alive and breathing, having just sent a PowerPoint document following a request for a few moments to chat.

Then another day not long after, that same person dies.

Then you realize: you have not acknowledged receipt of the piano bar presentation, nor have you even given a reason for declining the chat.

(It was to “show” a just-acquired high-tech gadget meant for someone who could no longer use tongue and vocal chords; cancer had eaten away those, and was surgically removed, amongst other places in the body, excised, where the dreaded C cells had lodged).

Sad, so sad.

You failed to reach out to a dying friend, a friend who had reached out to you many times in the past.

Life, indeed, is short and should not, must not be taken for granted – especially when someone close needs just a little of your time.

Sad, so very sad.

And now, you have to deal with the things you should have done but did not…